My name is Barbara and I am 23 years old, living in Long Beach, California. I started this blog as a sort of outlet to share my personal experience with having an eating disorder for 4 and a half years of my life. My story began when I went away to college…I was dealing with a bad break-up, being away from home for the first time ever, having to make new friends, living with roommates who I barely knew, and feeling the pressure to excel in all of my classes. I am sure most people who go away to college deal with very similar things and I am not sure what exactly it was that caused me to begin a very awful downward spiral, but by January of my freshmen year I began overexercising, restricting my food intake, and then eventually binging & purging.
Having an eating disorder has been literally the hardest thing I have ever gone through and it took years and years of tears, lost friendships, isolation, lying, and intensive therapy for me to realize that I needed to take back control of my life. And you know what it was a decision that I had to make for myself. It wasn’t until I fully committed to recovery that anything changed. I had gone to numerous therapists and nutritionists and doctors…and been confronted by family and friends…and yet for so long I was so entrenched in the disease that I was not hearing what anyone told me. I acted like I wanted to get better, but I took no steps to actually do so.
Finally after struggling for over 4 years I began to slowly regain control of my life. I read every self help book and eating disorder recovery book I could get my hands on and I started to reshape the way I saw food and fitness. Slowly my microwaveable dinners were replaced with meals full of fresh ingredients that I made myself. Slowly my fear of missing a workout turned into an appreciation for my body and an even better appreciation for rest days.
Now more than a year in total recovery, I have become the woman that I always wanted to be…though I appreciate my journey to get where I am today. The lessons I learned through my eating disorder have made me into an even stronger woman than I ever imagined I could be. I try to eat the best that I can and I accept that some days are harder than others. But at the end of the day I have regained a sense of self and I hope that my stories, pictures, workouts, recipes, and even my rants can help anyone who is struggling with any aspect of life.